Tuesday, November 22, 2011


i dont know how to be a good person all the time. im good at feeling pain and causing it. i see that problem and i admit it but i dont know how to fix it. i only know how to ease it and thats by running, by pushing away and by staying away. when im alone i hurt no one on purpose and no one hurts me other than in my mind when what they have done to me plays over and over. you think just because you say or do something to me 1 time that its done and over with and i should forget it. i wish i could but its not over in my mind. its like a record that plays over and over and keeps hurting me and i dont know how to turn that record player off. when im not treated with the same respect, love and kindness that others are then it hurts. no one is better than me. im just as good as anyone else and i hate being treated less and when im treated less i treat people less. i dont want to be a hater. i want to be a lover. i want to be a healer. i want to enjoy life. i want to be happy. i want to be peaceful. i want to be painfree. why should i stay with someone when theres so much pain for both? i dont like hurting.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Monday, August 22, 2011

understand me

" Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand." Author Unknown

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Internet friends

Why are people from the internet so important to me? Because I have no other friends, except 1 and he lives in another state and I can't talk to him just any time I want. Some of the internet people see the real me and accepts me. Most important are the men because some of them take time to see past my body and see me and I love that and I love them for that. To the men in the world outside of the internet, I'm just a stress reliever, a something to fuck when they get horny because either no one else is around or who they want to fuck wont fuck them. I'm not good enough to be friends with them. If I don't have sex with them they want nothing to do with me. Well, I need friends, including male friends. I need a mans point of view sometimes. I need a mans advice sometimes and sometimes I just need a man to know I feel pain. I have met some wonderful people from the internet and yes most are men. Why are the men so special to me? Because they will never have sex with me and they treat me like a person, not a thing, not a robot and not a something to fuck.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Dear Love

Oh how I long for you. I ache for you. I have been hid so long that I fear you may never find me. Will I ever get to hold you and keep you? Will I ever get to look into your beautiful eyes? Will I ever get to kiss your soft lips? Will I ever get to tell you that I love you and that I have always wanted and needed you.

For you I wait. Day after day nothing happens, yet I keep waiting. I can't shake the feeling of being alone no matter who I'm with. I always feel I'm missing someone and I know it's you that I miss. I don't know where to go. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know where I am. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Home is where the heart is or so they say but my heart doesn't feel at home anywhere. Does that mean my heart is homeless? That's how it sure feels. It feels cold, hungry and unsheltered.

I'm alone. Alone in a world filled with many people. No one sees me and no one hears me. I sit in a corner of a room while everyone is dancing and running wildly around me. My head is hung down while everyone elses is held high. I cry as the room is filled with laughter. I fall to the floor and look at everyone standing so tall. I reach out for a helping hand while all hands are busy touching someone else. My tears hit the floor to be trampled upon and unnoticed. I am alone.

People have been asking the question for years "what is true love?" Well I say, it is something perfect, beautiful, magical, mystical, powerful, soft, strong, delightful, soothing, comfortable, healing, blissful, satisfying, delicious and dreamy. The next question people ask is "why can't I find true love?" I say, because it only exists in our minds.

I'm waiting on you my love, the man in my mind to find your way to my heart. Although I know it will never happen for the only place you can ever exist is in my mind.

Oh my love, how I ache for thee. I have waited on thee for many years. I have searched for thee everywhere that I have been and you don't even exist. Yet knowing that, I still wait for you to come. I am oh so lonely without you. My life is nothing but pain without you. Oh my love, how I ache for thee.

I need more than words of love and I need more than just being fucked. I need actions of love. I need a man that I can trust and respect. I need a man who wants a woman to make love to. I need and want my soulmate because it is more than just my body that has needs. My soul needs you.

I want love that will make me laugh and not make me cry sad tears. I want love that will build up my self esteem not tear it down. I want love that I can trust to be truthful not lie. I want love that I can raise my head up high not always hang it down. I want love that respects me not belittles me. I want love that assures me securance not fear of losing. I want love that makes me feel like the only woman in a room full of women not like I'm not even there. I want love that truly enjoys my presence not use me to try to replace loneliness. I want love that can give me peace not torment. I want love that gives me encouragement not discouragement. I want love that gives me confidence not take it away. I want love that will comfort me not make me lonely. I want love that will make me feel loved not like a whore. I want love that will care for me not treat me without feelings. I want love that wants what I want. I want love that is reality not delusions.

I know I'm not the only woman in the world or the only woman in a room full of women, I know I'm not the prettiest, I know I'm not the sexiest, and I know I'm not the best, but I want my man to treat me as if I am.

I wanna know that he will be there for me always. I don't wanna worry if I'm gonna be left alone when I get sick, old, crazier, or whatever. I don't wanna worry that I will be traded in for someone else. I wanna be able to trust and believe in him without being wrong or laughed at. I wanna man who can and will be faithful to me.

I want a man with the kindest heart, full of love, compassion, understanding, generous, strong willed, funny, yet serious. I want him to tell me jokes when I am a litttle down or bored. I want him to wrap me in his arms when I need to cry. I want him to dance with me at home or in public places. I want him to always make me feel secure about myself and about us. I want him to place me before anyone unless someone has a great need. I want him to honor and respect me and be someone that I can honor and respect.

You my love are the only one who can ever be all that. You are the only one who can be what I want and need. Only you my love.